I have been asked this question over and over again “Amanda why do you stop blogging?” I would throw this question aside and put it on the back burner. Today is the day I answer this question. Many of you know I battled with cancer. Yes I am ready to talk about it. During this time I made a choice, that did in fact made me a stronger woman. I said that if I only had six more months left I wanted those months to not be filled all day on the computer, writing post, having deadlines, and being tried all the time. I wanted to spend my time as a mom.
When I first found out that I had cancer, I was sitting in the doctors office with my husband and my then 6 month old son Spencer. We where sitting down for our first meeting with the doctor. As I was sitting in the room, I started noticing all the different pamphlets everywhere, “How to deal with cancer.” “So your spouse has cancer.” “You have cancer now what.” My doctor back home never told me I had cancer he said I had a mass on my thyroid that was all. I was getting very nervous when the doctor walked in. I will never forget how he looked and how he talked that first day. He came to my husband first and said hello then he came over to where I was sitting. “Amanda I will not lie, you are lucky to have caught this so early. You have stage 1 cancer. The tumor is big but treatable.” After that it was all a blur, did he just say I had cancer? How could this be happening? I have two boys, I have only been married for 3.5 years? I am only 28 years old? Doesn’t Heavenly Father know I am to young? What about my husband he can not raise these boys on his own. There is so much I want to do. I walked away that day numb and confused. It happened I no longer just had a mass on my thyroid, but I had cancer.
For the next four or so months I ignored the fact that I had cancer. I ignored myself getting tried all the time, becoming fat, but mostly becoming a mom who was always upset at her kids. I was driving an hour twice a month most of the time by myself. Each time I had my blood drawn, an uptake scan and ask a million and one questions. I went from 3 different medians, to 15. Slowly my hair started to fall out. I watched my husband become more and more stress each day. We were starting to grow apart. I knew it was time for something to change, but what? The moment became clear what needed to change when I had a deadline for a blog post. I was so tried and so sore because my arms hurt from the bruises that I knew I was going to miss my deadline. I started to cried as I started at the computer talking to it, asking it why it would not just type the words I was saying. At 3:00 am with no end in site, my husband come to me and wrapped his arms around me, and said honey let’s go to bed. I cried so hard because I felt defeated. The next day I did not get up till almost one. My post long forgotten as the pain from the night before caught up with me. I knew I needed to finish my post, but how. That day I understood how a marriage worked, my husband who is a slow on the computer, took the time to type my blog post. He did everything for me. I was a day late, but it ended up being fine. That was the last sponsor post I did until my cancer was removed.
I spent the next six months living. I lived each day with my children, and my husband. I watched myself go from a healthy 160lbs woman to 225lbs. I watched my oldest son learn how to take care of his mommy, and how to get her pill box. My youngest son spent many days with his mommy in bed. The day came when the choice came clear that there was only one option left for us, and that was surgery. I had an amazing group of online friends who supported me in everything I was going through. I am so thankful for them. We joked that I was getting “Nikki” as we called my tumor removed once and for all. There was no 100% chance that this would remove all the cancer, but it was want my husband and I knew needed to be done.
The night before the surgery I made sure I let my boys know how much I loved them. I tucked them into bed, kissed them goodnight, and then we said family prayers. Afterwards I spent the night praying to my father in heaven that if I did not make, to please let my husband Stephen move on, find someone new and know I am in a better place. The alarm clock went off at 4 am, was it really time was this really happening? The moment that we hope would cure us. And yes I mean us. When I got to the hospital it was crazy to see how much these doctors, and nurses cared for us. They made sure that not only was I taken care of, but my Husband and dad was as well. Before I was wheeled back into the OR my Husband and father gave me a blessing. In this blessing I was told I would see my children grow up. I kissed my husband good bye, and was wheeled back.
After the surgery, and I was wheeled back to my room. I remembered being in so much pain, and my throat feeling like it was on fire. I also then remember how the doctor pulled my husband and dad out to the hallway to talk to them. I found out that I would be held over night. When the doctor came in to talk to me he said that there was tons of scar tissue around my vocal cords. This was not something I wanted to hear, I was scared, worried and honestly very sad. That night the nurses around me made me talk, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I did not want to hear my voice, let alone have anyone else hear it. Then the moment came I had to go to the bathroom, and see myself for the first time. Looking in the mirror and seeing this huge bandage across my throat, made me cry. What if the cancer was not all, what if it came back. That night I never cried as much as I did then, hoping that everything would turn out alright.
The time came for me to go home, and to face all the fears I had inside. Before I left my doctor came to talk to me. He let me know how important it was to talk even though it would hurt, and to also know that they sent the mass to a hospital in Texas for test. My doctor also told me that there was a chance that I would have to be back to get the other thyroid removed if one of my test came back with any show of cancer cells. Then with all that information, I waited for my dad to pick me up. I took this time, to just think of how lucky I was. That at this moment in my life I could breath, when I laid down to sleep, I was able to shallow again. But more then again the mass on my thyroid was gone. I knew it would be a week before I knew if the cancer was gone or not, but at this moment I had peace.
The next week of my life was filled with learning how to live with the huge big cut on my throat. Trust me their is nothing worst then having to explain to everyone that the reason you have a bandage across your throat. The day came for my husband and I to meet with the doctor to see if all the cancer was taken, or if I would have to go back under the knife. When we walked into the doctor’s office, there was a calm feeling something I have not felt in a very long time. It almost made me feel that is done at this moment. When the doctor came into the room, he had x-rays, and files. He started to talk like a doctor, all the words that came out of his mouth that day I honestly did not understand. Then I heard the word’s that we where waiting for. “The results came back and you are cancer free.” At that moment my world stopped, I was free.
I knew that my battle was not over, it was just a new chapter. I was told about my new medians that I would be taking daily. How I would struggle with weight lose, even more now then ever before. I also found out that having more kids naturally may not be in my future. I am in remission, but at this moment I am free of cancer. Free of living in fear of not seeing my boys grow up. Free of not seeing myself grow old with my husband. Free of the sickness I felt everyday. These are things I am free of.
Now you know why I stopped blogging. It was not because I wanted to, but because it was the choice I felt was right. Today I am healthy well healthier, I spend my day’s playing with my youngest son, because I did not get that when he was a baby. I missed those moments because of the cancer. I missed seeing him as a baby so now I treasure these times we have. But I am ready to put on my blogging gloves again. I have missed you all so much. I have missed my SOFAB family. I have missed telling you all what I have been up to. So here I am now letting you know I am back. And to thank you all for supporting me while I was gone.